


train of thought

by smoldisaster



Series: Cryptage Week 2020 [1]
Category: Apex Legends (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:07:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26700403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smoldisaster/pseuds/smoldisaster
Summary: “Do you ever regret that I told you the truth?”-Crypto finds himself in a very negative headspace but fortunately his boyfriend is there to comfort him.
Relationships: Crypto | Park Tae Joon/Mirage | Elliott Witt
Series: Cryptage Week 2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1943020
Comments: 10
Kudos: 42





	train of thought

**Author's Note:**

> Time for Cryptage Week, hell yeah!
> 
> First Prompt: Train
> 
> ~~third time's the charm and I finally know how to write Taejoon's name~~

Most days it was easy for Taejoon to keep going without questioning his life or feeling any doubt. His fear of the Syndicate finding him was so overwhelming, it didn’t allow for anything else to take over his calculated mind which was busy staying one step ahead and keeping him _alive_.

But recently Taejoon had found himself in positions in which he allowed himself to relax. To hope. It had all to do with a certain trickster who had not just stolen his patience on many occasions but Taejoon’s heart as well. And despite the underlying anxiety that it was a bad idea to get someone else involved, he couldn’t deny that it was also incredibly liberating. Being with Elliott was the best thing that had ever happened to Taejoon. For the first time in forever he was happy and somewhat content, carefree even

Sometimes however… it all came crashing down. 

Bad thoughts kept popping up, especially when he was alone, and sometimes it was impossible to fight them off. Before Taejoon knew it, he was stuck in this spirale of negative thoughts pulling him down, making guilt and worry the only things he could think about and he was caught in a depressive episode so strong it felt like it would never end. 

_This is all hopeless._

_Why do you even bother to keep fighting? Better just give up and let them get you. You’re a danger for everyone around you._

_You should have never confessed to Elliott._

_He deserves so much better._

_When they find him, they will kill him. Torture him before giving him a painful death._

_Imagine the life he could have without you._

_You’re the worst. It’s so selfish of you for staying with him._

It was a constant assault of self-accusations and doubt taking over his mind. 

His chest felt heavy and tight, his breath hitched as he dragged himself forward even though every step felt like it took all the energy out of him. Everything around him was dull, like a layer of grey filtered his vision and the only thing he could really feel was the heavy beating of his heart, hammering against his rib cage in an almost painful way. At least he was home soon and could drop his guard. How he managed to both, keep walking and be on the lookout for potential threats was beyond him. Years of practice had likely helped him develop an autopilot for everything he needed to be cautious about when he was outside. It wasn’t ideal, sure, but it was all he could do right now. Anything more and he’d fall apart.

Taejoon had no idea how he made it back to his place or how he made it into the building. He all but collapsed after he got inside and locked the door, slumping against it with a heavy sigh. 

“Look who finally made it home,” the most beautiful voice in the Frontier ~~and the entire universe~~ reached his ears. Taejoon wanted to reply but he couldn’t even open his mouth. He closed his eyes and slumped down, burying his face in his hands.

“What took you so long, babe?” Elliott sounded closer now but Taejoon didn’t even have the strength to lift his head. “I almost thought I’d have to reheat the food and was about to call you but I-”

Elliott abruptly stopped, assumedly having arrived in the hallway. Taejoon heard a soft sigh and then there was a warm presence right next to him, pulling him into a tight embrace against a solid body. 

“Oh, babe,” Elliott whispered after having pressed a kiss against the crown of Taejoon’s head. “That much of a bad day, huh?”

Taejoon could do nothing but sob, hot tears running down his cheeks as he pressed himself against his boyfriend’s body, holding on desperately. He hated that this was how he greeted Elliott after a day spent apart but a small part in him recognized that there was no denying how liberating it was to allow himself to cry around him. 

“Mianhae,” Taejoon finally managed to croak out, sniffling while he pulled away to look at Elliott with tear-stained eyes.

“Hey, now, there’s nothing to be sorry about,” Elliott replied, gently swiping over his cheeks to wipe away his tears. “Want to talk about it?”

And for the first time… Taejoon actually took up the offer with a weak nod. Elliott smiled fondly but didn’t comment on it further. He helped him back up to his feet and gave Taejoon a body to lean against while he secured their door properly which made Taejoon’s heart swell with affection despite the dread he felt. To see Elliott take his security measurements seriously meant everything to him and he almost said so but got swept up from his feet before he got the chance and all that left his mouth was a surprised squeal that made his cheeks flush red. Elliott’s deep chuckle rang right next to his ears. 

“You are ridiculous,” Taejoon huffed exasperatedly which earned him another chuckle. 

“Only for you, sweetheart,” Elliott grinned as he carried his boyfriend into their living room bridal-style. Taejoon rolled his eyes but still wrapped his arms around his shoulders and settled against Elliotts broad chest, smiling to himself. He was already feeling so much better, it was baffling how much of a calming effect Elliott had on him. 

Elliott lowered Taejoon onto the couch with the utmost care, pulling off his shoes and jacket before draping a blanket over him to give him something to cuddle up into. Which Taejoon did but only after Elliott had settled down himself and the hacker could snuggle up to him first. He didn’t quite know where to start and they sat together in silence for a moment. Elliott gave him all the time he needed and simply carded his fingers through his hair in a soothing manner.

“Do you ever…” Taejoon finally spoke up and bit his lip. “Do you ever regret that I told you the truth?”

“No. Why?”

“Because I actively endangered you by doing so.”

“Is this what this is about?”

Taejoon’s silence was answer enough. 

Next to him Elliott let out yet another soft sigh and he pulled away slightly to turn around. He gently grabbed Taejoon by his chin and tilted his head in Elliott’s direction. When their eyes met, all Taejoon could see was warmth and love.

“Listen to me, Taejoon: I love you. I’m so gratl-gratefo-ga-,” Elliott interrupted himself, visibly frustrated about his stutter having the worst timing. “I’m very happy that you told me everything. That you trust me enough means a lot.”

Taejoon felt tears well up in his eyes again, this time for a different reason.  
“It’s just... “ now he was the one letting out a sigh. “I wish circumstances were different.”

“I know,” Elliott softly replied. “Of course I wouldn’t mind if they were.” 

That made Taejoon drop his gaze, guilt once again threatening to overwhelm him. 

“Hey, no, babe, please look at me,” Elliott lifted his chin again. “I’m sorry, that came out wrong.” The trickster leaned in for a tender kiss before continuing: “I mean that your circumstances are so unfair and I wish for nothing more than for you to be able to live a normal life. But we will get there.”

_We will get there._

“You deserve nothing less. And you deserve me,” Elliott added, almost sheepishly. He scratched his beard and looked so flustered. Mirage loved exclaiming how much of a great guy he was and that everyone deserved a piece of him, Elliott on the other side was much more insecure. Instead of giving him a verbal reply, Taejoon kissed him again, not even bothered that his face was probably still wet from his tears. Elliott had never complained before and neither did he this time, kissing him back immediately. 

“I’m so glad to have you by my side, Taejoon whispered against his lips. "I love you too "

The smile Elliott gave him melted Taejoon's heart and he leaned in for another kiss. And another. He quickly lost count how many times they kissed or how much time passed. By the time they pulled away for a break, Taejoon was sitting on Elliott's lap, blanket discarded to the side a while ago, and his hands were buried in his boyfriend's soft curls. Elliott's hands were on his hips, thumb brushing over Taejoon’s bare skin where his shirt had risen. His lips were swollen from all the kissing, his cheeks were a beautiful shade of red and the most adorable dimples showed up around his eyes when he started smiling lovingly at the hacker. He was simply breathtaking, his beauty seemingly otherworldly and Taejoon was left speechless. Not that they had done much talking in the last couple of minutes anyway.

Suddenly remembering what Elliott had said when he got home, Taejoon shook his head with a chuckle. At Elliott’s questioning look, he said, “You definitely have to reheat the food now."

Elliott laughed, the beautiful melodic sound ringing in Taejoon’s ears and he felt any leftover tension leave his body. 

"You're right about that, Taejoonie,” his boyfriend purred, rolling his hips up against him suggestively. “But since it doesn't matter anymore now, I think the food can wait a bit longer, don't you think? I still want to show you _how much_ I appreciate having you in my life."

There was no way Taejoon could decline such an enticing offer. All of a sudden he felt _very_ hungry but for something completely different than food.

**Author's Note:**

> what parallel universe is this where I stop writing right when the smut is about to start? Insert wild gasp here. 
> 
> I also feel like this is a very abstract take on train?? so sorry about that  
> idk, my mind just went like “train… hmmm, what about train of thought” and I liked the idea of writing about Crypto having a depressive episode and getting comforted by Mirage and well, here we are :’) I originally thought the depressive episode would be longer because I came up with the idea when I was depressed myself but hey ho, I’m currently feeling better and certainly don’t mind the fluff taking over because that’s what I love writing most ~~next to smut~~.
> 
> You can find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/smol_disaster) (@smol_disaster) if you wanna talk about anything Cryptage related ❤️


End file.
